I am not even slightly kidding when I say I have done these things

So many women say to me, “SSW, while I am by no means sexually repressed, I reject the dominant narrative that women are only beautiful and sexy if they receive attention from men. I enjoy flirting, dating, and romantic relationships, but my self-esteem and sense of worth as a person do not derive from whether or not I am hit on at a bar. While there have certainly been exceptions, I find that the majority of men who approach me in clearly “meat-market” situations (i.e. the club) are douchebags banking on the fact I hate myself in order to get into my pants. What can I do to keep those kinds of guys away?”

            Ladies, never fear, I have some amazing suggestions for you. Having long ago lost my sense of social appropriateness, I can attest that I have tried all of the following items in real life, and that they really do work.

THE ELBOW DANCE

            As many of you well know, some men will approach you to dance by sneaking up from behind, bellying up to your rear end much like a shuttle docking at the International Space Station. You may not even know he’s there until all of a sudden a pair of unfamiliar hands takes hold of your hips, locking you into non-consensual booty-shaking. If you’re like me in that unsolicited touching from strangers makes you wonder if a burka is really all that bad of an idea, then the elbow dance is for you!

            There are two basic components of the elbow dance. The first is the side-to-side, which will clear space on either side of you.

Side-to-side elbow dance at rest

           After assuming this position, jauntily swing your elbows to the left and the right. Feel free to smile broadly. You may even want to throw in a little tap work if you have the skills.

First do this

Then do this! How jaunty!

            The second component is the front-to-back, also known fittingly as the running woman, which will clear the critical space behind you. Bend your elbows as though you are about to jog, and vigorously move them front to back. Feel free to do the twist at the same time. Getting your whole body into it increases your momentum and the power of your elbows.

            Establish and keep your sovereign space with these simple dance steps. Employ whenever you feel the hairs on the back of your neck rise, indicating that your space station is about to be violated, or just dance the whole night away in this fashion!

SHAKE THAT WHICH IS NORMALLY NOT SHAKEN

            When we are requested to “shake what our mommas gave us”, this is generally taken to mean the hip, buttocks, and thigh regions. This move is great for garnering male attention. However, if you wish to do the opposite, merely move the shaking motion from your behind to your head.

            This move is especially effective if you are wearing a ponytail. You can amuse yourself by counting how many people you whack in the course of your shaking. This move is also useful if you need to intervene on behalf of a friend who has a douchebag bearing down upon her. Simply approach the pair, staring at them with your eyes as wide as possible and shaking your head. Next, throw your arms into the mix, flailing them enthusiastically. Now use your fully shaking upper body to establish a seizing, flailing, shaking shield between your friend and the douchebag. CAUTION: Make absolutely certain she wants you to save her before you employ this, as the aversion created by shaking that which is normally not shaken cannot be undone.

HARNESS THE POWER…

            Suppose you are lost in your happy world of dancing and have not employed either the shaking or the elbow dance, and you are approached and grabbed from behind by someone who, as they say, is all up in your junk. Now that he is locked on target, how do you get him to leave?

            One way is the power of NERD. I personally yell “HULL BREACH! HULL BREACH! BATTLE STATIONS, NUMBER ONE!” Other options include, “KLINGONS DECLOAKING!” or “DIVERT MAXIMUM POWER TO REAR SHIELD!” Or simply screech a red alert sound like “BREEEEE! BREEEEEE! BREEEE!” Generally any sort of proclamation that indicates that you watch Sci-fi programming in any capacity will prompt the unwelcome life form to disengage.

 Oh burn I just compared you to a klingon burrrrrrrrrn!

            A more popular way is the power of AWKWARD. When someone sneaks up on you from behind to dance with you, and you’re simply not feeling it, just stop dancing. Just straight up stop, and hold completely still. If he asks you, “What the hell?” look at him like he’s wearing a clown suit and just rode his unicycle into a Starbucks. “What? I’m just standing here. Aren’t you the one who’s being socially inappropriate?” The awkwardness created by standing completely still on a dance floor is incredibly powerful, and he will be literally blown away by the sheer force of just how ridiculously bizarre you are. Do not be afraid of this awesome power – unleash it!

HALTING THE BONER TRAIN

            In this last scenario, let’s say that you have consented to dancing with whomever, because it’s fun, or maybe he’s a good dancer, or kind of hot, or bought you a drink, etc, etc. It’s all well and good until you become away that there is a third party present in your booty-shaking. You hope that he has an i-zone Polaroid camera in his pocket…

Remember these guys?

            …but since they don’t make those anymore, that’s probably not the case.

           

            Maybe you’re cool with dancing with the beast, which we all have at one time or another. But if you’d rather not, be deflatingly blunt. If sex is enhanced by mystery, then nothing will kill a boner quicker than directness. I usually say something along the lines of, “Hey, I noticed you have a boner in your pants. The bathroom is over there, I suggest you take a few minutes and take care of that, because I won’t be.” The ensuing shocked silence will give you plenty of time to scuttle away, ideally elbow dancing as you go.

            Clubs are great fun. A smart woman enjoys a night out on the town, as long as that night happens on her terms. By employing the above strategies you can effectively keep away the men you don’t want, and create opportunities for yourself to pounce on the ones you do. Onward, ladies!

THE WAX AND WANE OF THE DINOSAUR: A thesis on the cyclical nature of human female sexual behavior (PART 2)

Originally published in Ridiculous Science Magazine (2009) and the American Journal of Sexy Nonsense (2009). Reproduced here with permission from the author, Alissa E. Sexytimes, Ph.D, & associates (Sallie Detricky, Cataloo, and the DSchneid.)

           Chapter 2: A Brief Look at Flying Squirrels

When the bunny wanes, what then? What becomes of our poor love-starved subject?

There are, in fact, three possibilities. One is that, if the subject is particularly resilient (or without pattern recognition) she will immediately cycle around to the bunny rising state and begin to nibble even while her fur is still warm from the last cuddle. The second possibility is to simply glide and become a flying squirrel.

The flying squirrel state is a state of pure neutrality. It is rare because people are usually always in want of something, but a flying squirrel is someone who genuinely is very fine with gliding independently for the time being.

As evidence:

Thanks to Google image search, we can see that flying squirrels do indeed glide. While at first glance it may seem a little spastic, flying squirrels are in fact quite chill.

            Chapter 3: Dinosaurs

The third possibility is to enter into the state of dinosaur.

A subject in the state of dinosaur is characterized by an enduring state of horniness. A dinosaur’s goal, to use the common lexicon, is to “hook up” and satisfy her raging sexual desires through meaningless making out or sex. The prey of a dinosaur is, of course, handsome and oblivious young men. NOTE: Here is another instance of the importance of individual differences. While some dinosaur may nip at their prey (i.e. kiss, flirt, make out, dance) other may go in for the kill (i.e. sex) and other may kill and then come back later for the rest of the carcass (i.e. crazy ridiculous marathon sex). Like bunnies, some subjects may keep their scalyness well hidden, while others will openly post about it on Facebook.

To achieve the end goal of satisfying horniness, dinosaurs will go on a rampage[1]. Much as those great scaly beasts of millennia ago stomped about the young earth in search of prey in a fruitless attempt to escape the icy clutch of natural selection, young woman tear their way through bars and clubs using their advantageous T&A to lure in unsuspecting males. The woman who conquers may live to see yet another day as a dinosaur.

A Google image search reveals that they are many different types of dinosaurs. Indeed, there is much debate among theoreticians about how to parse out the herbivore-carnivore conundrum. Some say that herbivores should refer to those who, by their own decision, chose to not have sexual relations, but appease their horniness through means such as making out. Conversely, carnivore should be a term referring only to those who make a true “kill” as opposed to a simpler “capture”. Personally, I see no reason to deny someone the awesomeness of being a carnivore simply because they decide to keep their sheets clean. In my mind, all horny women are predators. Herbivores, I propose, should refer to the male prey that satisfies the dinosaur. In other words, all men are slow moving brontosaurus in the eyes of a raging dinosaur.

As with the bunny state, there are three phases of dinosaur. Given my avowal that all women are carnivorous, I will now postulate which three species best defines each phase.

Dinosaur rising- in this stage, the horniness is coming to life, bubbling under the surface like magma under the prehistoric earth’s crust

Velociraptor – These carnivores are smart, and know how to lure their prey into traps so that they might be easily killed and feasted upon. They also travel in packs, much like horny women.

Dinosaur waxing – the dinosaur is on a roll of achieving maximum horniness satisfaction. A subject who is thriving at this stage and is still STD free may see no reason to dial it down until her late twenties.

Tyrannosaurus Rex – the king of predators, the tyrant lizard, there is no better embodiment of the dinosaur waxing phase. This bipedal machine of death measured up to 42 feet long and 13 feet high, and had a mouth full of 6 inch long serrated teeth that could easily crush bones. This doesn’t have a whole lot to do with women; I just thought you should know how badass the T-Rex is.

Dinosaur waning – Either she lost her touch, or she’s just plain tired. The life of a T-Rex is exhausting and high energy, and in this phase, the subject may feel sufficiently satisfied that she no longer needs to rampage.

Liopleurodon – while still a fearsome predator of the deep, liopleurodon also looks a little bloated and can’t move that fast, much like a woman tuckered out from too much sex

Once the dinosaur has waned, the subject is presented with a similar set of choices as a waned bunny; try the opposite, glide like a squirrel, or start the same cycle all over (an exhausting proposition).

Of all our research, it is our work on dinosaurs that has elicited the most enthusiastic response from our readership. Much like the word bunny, it has quickly entered into the “slang” of today’s youth:

            Subject A: “Girl, I feel like such a dinosaur right now, I totally need to get my rampage 
            on!”

            Subject B: “LOL you’re such a t-rex! OMG I saw the cutest prey ever at Rulloff’s last     
            night!”

This research of course begs the question: if it is totally badass to be a T-Rex (because it is) why would anyone ever stop? It has already been explained that the proliferation of too many offspring is the demise of a bunny. So, what is the catalyst for dinosaur waning? Are we to be satisfied with simple “fatigue” or perhaps “herpes” as our answer?

The answer lies in the course of evolution itself. Even the fierce and stone-hearted dinosaur eventually evolved into a warm blooded mammal. Frankly, the life of a dinosaur is fraught with danger, as evidenced by the Cretaceous-Tertiary Extinction Event of 65 million years ago. Indeed, it would seem that the dinosaur who does not eventually try to put aside its rampaging ways and evolve into a bird will be killed by the fiery blast of an asteroid (falling in love with a hook up and seriously getting burned) or by epidemic disease (need this one be explained?). Thus, we see that the factor that pushes the subject into dinosaur waning is mere survival. One can simply not live an entire lifetime as a T-Rex.

IN CONCLUSION, in spite of the hard scientific evidence presented in this thesis, the reader must be cautious not to generalize too broadly from its precepts. The bunny-dino cycle is greatly influenced by individual factors and can present quite differently from person to person. It is also all too easy to be dismissive of either half of the cycle. The bunny is “boring” perhaps, the squirrel “non-committal”, and the dinosaur “whore-ish.” The fact of the matter is that everyone will end up in one of these states at some point in their lives. Our hope is that this research will create more understanding and tolerance among members of the female species. Can we really judge a dinosaur when we know the same scaly lizard lives somewhere deep within our own souls? Thus, the glory of science continues to shed light upon the mysteries of the human condition.

           

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[1] A successful rampage results in a capture and kill in which the prey satisfies the dinosaur’s pressing needs. However, there is debate in the field about whether there is a difference between a capture (i.e. making out) or a kill (i.e. sex), but since a kill can’t come without a capture and a capture tends to lead to a kill, I consider it a moot point.

THE WAX AND WANE OF THE DINOSAUR: A thesis on the cyclical nature of human female sexual behavior (PART 1)

Originally published in Ridiculous Science Magazine (2009) and the American Journal of Sexy Nonsense (2009). Reproduced here with permission from the author, Alissa E. Sexytimes, Ph.D, & associates (Sallie Detricky, Cataloo, and the DSchneid.)

Introduction

At certain times in your life, you may find yourself pining after a special someone, real or imaginary, with whom you would like to enter into a meaningful and lasting relationship. At other times, you may find your libido is off the charts, and that sex in any sort of context, meaningful or not, would be quite welcome. Whether or not you actually act on these desires depends on many factors such as individual differences in temperament, current physical or psychological environment, etc. This thesis intends to describe and classify this dyad of emotion, explore its many facets and nuances, and speculate upon the possible factors that could contribute to the rise or fall of either.

Chapter 1: Bunnies

            Let us begin with the formerly mentioned emotional state, in which the subject finds herself fantasizing about a long term relationship with the boy of her dreams. This state shall be classified as: Bunny.

            In the Bunny state, sexual desire, while part of the driving force, is not the end goal. The end goal, rather, is to find someone to cuddle with, to hold hands with, or to share take-out Chinese with. The search for this special someone is described as a nibble. Much like bunnies leisurely hop along sunny fields tasting the grass here and there, searching for the most lush and delicious patches, the subject may hop from frat party to club meeting to library, constantly on the look-out for someone to satisfy the cuddling urge. NOTE: Here is where we see some important individual differences. Some people you would never know were bunnies, as they keep their innate fuzziness to themselves. Others, however, as so clearly bunnies that their friends with fur allergies tend to sneeze violently when they get too close.

            A successful nibble results in a state of cuddle, in which the subject has found someone equally fuzzy who wants to get all warm and close. It is now, in the early stage of the relationship, where the phrase “going at it like rabbits” it particularly poignant.

            An example of these terms in the common usage would be something along these lines:

            “Guys, this is pathetic, but I really want a boyfriend…I am such a bunny right now!”

            “Do you see her flirting with so-and-so last night? They didn’t hook up, but she was totally nibbling.”

            “Would you guys mind keeping your happy state of cuddle to yourselves? I’m getting nauseous!”

For supporting evidence, we turn to Webster’s:

bun-ny
noun, plural-nies, adjective
1 Informal, a rabbit, esp. a small or young one.


2. Slang: sometimes disparaging and offensive: a pretty, appealing, or alluring young woman, often one ostensibly engaged in a sport or similar activity: beach bunny; ski bunny.


3. Chiefly British: a squirrel


4. Australian and New Zealand slang: a person imposed upon or made a fool of, victim. - adjective.


5. designed for or used by beginners in skiing: a bunny slope.


Origin: 1600-10, Americanism; dial. bun (tail of a) hare or rabbit, in Scot: buttocks (<ScotGael bun bottom)
            Definition one fully supports our theory by attesting that a bunny is, in fact, a small furry creature. The second definition, while slightly tangential, does bring to light the important fact that often a nibbling bunny will attempt to make herself more alluring to the opposite sex. The third definition just shows that the British are ridiculous. The fourth definition further rounds out our thesis by reminding us that often a subject in the state of bunny ends up making a fool of herself, especially if she nibbles carelessly. Definition five obliquely points out that often one begins in a state of bunny. In fact, the state of bunny appears to be the most accessible to those with little or no relationship experience. Why the word “bun” also appears to be a word for “butt”, we have no idea.

For further evidence, we turn to Google image search:

            The above scientific photos clearly prove that bunnies are indeed fuzzy and cuddly, hence supporting our thesis.

Furthermore, the Bunny state can be broken into three main phases:

Bunny Rising – high frequencies of nibbling, much fantasizing and/or whining to friends, can include high rates of Facebook stalking various desirable mates

Bunny Waxing – after a successful nibble, the subject is in a state of cuddle, and may describe self as “floaty” or “contented” NOTE: may be equally if not more annoying than a subject in the Bunny Rising state

Bunny Waning- the bunny couple has produced too many offspring[1] and cannot sustain, the cold end is coming and the subject, while still fuzzy, has a creeping sense of despair

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[1] The “going at it like rabbits” will of course produce many offspring, which in this case means the many hopes, expectations, and instances of disappointment or resentment that occur in any relationship. (In other theoretical systems, offspring is also known as baggage). Too many of any of these types of offspring can be overwhelming. The bunny ecosystem can simply not support them, and the relationship is doomed.

Woot...

So this is just for make believe right now while I figure out how to design a blog that doesn't look stupid. Notice I didn't say retarded. That would not be very social worker-ish of me.