THE WAX AND WANE OF THE DINOSAUR: A thesis on the cyclical nature of human female sexual behavior (PART 1)

Originally published in Ridiculous Science Magazine (2009) and the American Journal of Sexy Nonsense (2009). Reproduced here with permission from the author, Alissa E. Sexytimes, Ph.D, & associates (Sallie Detricky, Cataloo, and the DSchneid.)

Introduction

At certain times in your life, you may find yourself pining after a special someone, real or imaginary, with whom you would like to enter into a meaningful and lasting relationship. At other times, you may find your libido is off the charts, and that sex in any sort of context, meaningful or not, would be quite welcome. Whether or not you actually act on these desires depends on many factors such as individual differences in temperament, current physical or psychological environment, etc. This thesis intends to describe and classify this dyad of emotion, explore its many facets and nuances, and speculate upon the possible factors that could contribute to the rise or fall of either.

Chapter 1: Bunnies

            Let us begin with the formerly mentioned emotional state, in which the subject finds herself fantasizing about a long term relationship with the boy of her dreams. This state shall be classified as: Bunny.

            In the Bunny state, sexual desire, while part of the driving force, is not the end goal. The end goal, rather, is to find someone to cuddle with, to hold hands with, or to share take-out Chinese with. The search for this special someone is described as a nibble. Much like bunnies leisurely hop along sunny fields tasting the grass here and there, searching for the most lush and delicious patches, the subject may hop from frat party to club meeting to library, constantly on the look-out for someone to satisfy the cuddling urge. NOTE: Here is where we see some important individual differences. Some people you would never know were bunnies, as they keep their innate fuzziness to themselves. Others, however, as so clearly bunnies that their friends with fur allergies tend to sneeze violently when they get too close.

            A successful nibble results in a state of cuddle, in which the subject has found someone equally fuzzy who wants to get all warm and close. It is now, in the early stage of the relationship, where the phrase “going at it like rabbits” it particularly poignant.

            An example of these terms in the common usage would be something along these lines:

            “Guys, this is pathetic, but I really want a boyfriend…I am such a bunny right now!”

            “Do you see her flirting with so-and-so last night? They didn’t hook up, but she was totally nibbling.”

            “Would you guys mind keeping your happy state of cuddle to yourselves? I’m getting nauseous!”

For supporting evidence, we turn to Webster’s:

bun-ny
noun, plural-nies, adjective
1 Informal, a rabbit, esp. a small or young one.


2. Slang: sometimes disparaging and offensive: a pretty, appealing, or alluring young woman, often one ostensibly engaged in a sport or similar activity: beach bunny; ski bunny.


3. Chiefly British: a squirrel


4. Australian and New Zealand slang: a person imposed upon or made a fool of, victim. - adjective.


5. designed for or used by beginners in skiing: a bunny slope.


Origin: 1600-10, Americanism; dial. bun (tail of a) hare or rabbit, in Scot: buttocks (<ScotGael bun bottom)
            Definition one fully supports our theory by attesting that a bunny is, in fact, a small furry creature. The second definition, while slightly tangential, does bring to light the important fact that often a nibbling bunny will attempt to make herself more alluring to the opposite sex. The third definition just shows that the British are ridiculous. The fourth definition further rounds out our thesis by reminding us that often a subject in the state of bunny ends up making a fool of herself, especially if she nibbles carelessly. Definition five obliquely points out that often one begins in a state of bunny. In fact, the state of bunny appears to be the most accessible to those with little or no relationship experience. Why the word “bun” also appears to be a word for “butt”, we have no idea.

For further evidence, we turn to Google image search:

            The above scientific photos clearly prove that bunnies are indeed fuzzy and cuddly, hence supporting our thesis.

Furthermore, the Bunny state can be broken into three main phases:

Bunny Rising – high frequencies of nibbling, much fantasizing and/or whining to friends, can include high rates of Facebook stalking various desirable mates

Bunny Waxing – after a successful nibble, the subject is in a state of cuddle, and may describe self as “floaty” or “contented” NOTE: may be equally if not more annoying than a subject in the Bunny Rising state

Bunny Waning- the bunny couple has produced too many offspring[1] and cannot sustain, the cold end is coming and the subject, while still fuzzy, has a creeping sense of despair

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[1] The “going at it like rabbits” will of course produce many offspring, which in this case means the many hopes, expectations, and instances of disappointment or resentment that occur in any relationship. (In other theoretical systems, offspring is also known as baggage). Too many of any of these types of offspring can be overwhelming. The bunny ecosystem can simply not support them, and the relationship is doomed.