Originally published in Ridiculous Science Magazine (2009) and the American Journal of Sexy Nonsense (2009). Reproduced here with permission from the author, Alissa E. Sexytimes, Ph.D, & associates (Sallie Detricky, Cataloo, and the DSchneid.)
When the bunny wanes, what then? What becomes of our poor love-starved subject?
There are, in fact, three possibilities. One is that, if the subject is particularly resilient (or without pattern recognition) she will immediately cycle around to the bunny rising state and begin to nibble even while her fur is still warm from the last cuddle. The second possibility is to simply glide and become a flying squirrel.
The flying squirrel state is a state of pure neutrality. It is rare because people are usually always in want of something, but a flying squirrel is someone who genuinely is very fine with gliding independently for the time being.
As evidence:
Thanks to Google image search, we can see that flying squirrels do indeed glide. While at first glance it may seem a little spastic, flying squirrels are in fact quite chill.
Chapter 3: Dinosaurs
The third possibility is to enter into the state of dinosaur.
A subject in the state of dinosaur is characterized by an enduring state of horniness. A dinosaur’s goal, to use the common lexicon, is to “hook up” and satisfy her raging sexual desires through meaningless making out or sex. The prey of a dinosaur is, of course, handsome and oblivious young men. NOTE: Here is another instance of the importance of individual differences. While some dinosaur may nip at their prey (i.e. kiss, flirt, make out, dance) other may go in for the kill (i.e. sex) and other may kill and then come back later for the rest of the carcass (i.e. crazy ridiculous marathon sex). Like bunnies, some subjects may keep their scalyness well hidden, while others will openly post about it on Facebook.
To achieve the end goal of satisfying horniness, dinosaurs will go on a rampage[1]. Much as those great scaly beasts of millennia ago stomped about the young earth in search of prey in a fruitless attempt to escape the icy clutch of natural selection, young woman tear their way through bars and clubs using their advantageous T&A to lure in unsuspecting males. The woman who conquers may live to see yet another day as a dinosaur.
A Google image search reveals that they are many different types of dinosaurs. Indeed, there is much debate among theoreticians about how to parse out the herbivore-carnivore conundrum. Some say that herbivores should refer to those who, by their own decision, chose to not have sexual relations, but appease their horniness through means such as making out. Conversely, carnivore should be a term referring only to those who make a true “kill” as opposed to a simpler “capture”. Personally, I see no reason to deny someone the awesomeness of being a carnivore simply because they decide to keep their sheets clean. In my mind, all horny women are predators. Herbivores, I propose, should refer to the male prey that satisfies the dinosaur. In other words, all men are slow moving brontosaurus in the eyes of a raging dinosaur.
As with the bunny state, there are three phases of dinosaur. Given my avowal that all women are carnivorous, I will now postulate which three species best defines each phase.
Dinosaur rising- in this stage, the horniness is coming to life, bubbling under the surface like magma under the prehistoric earth’s crust
Velociraptor – These carnivores are smart, and know how to lure their prey into traps so that they might be easily killed and feasted upon. They also travel in packs, much like horny women.
Dinosaur waxing – the dinosaur is on a roll of achieving maximum horniness satisfaction. A subject who is thriving at this stage and is still STD free may see no reason to dial it down until her late twenties.
Tyrannosaurus Rex – the king of predators, the tyrant lizard, there is no better embodiment of the dinosaur waxing phase. This bipedal machine of death measured up to 42 feet long and 13 feet high, and had a mouth full of 6 inch long serrated teeth that could easily crush bones. This doesn’t have a whole lot to do with women; I just thought you should know how badass the T-Rex is.
Dinosaur waning – Either she lost her touch, or she’s just plain tired. The life of a T-Rex is exhausting and high energy, and in this phase, the subject may feel sufficiently satisfied that she no longer needs to rampage.
Liopleurodon – while still a fearsome predator of the deep, liopleurodon also looks a little bloated and can’t move that fast, much like a woman tuckered out from too much sex
Once the dinosaur has waned, the subject is presented with a similar set of choices as a waned bunny; try the opposite, glide like a squirrel, or start the same cycle all over (an exhausting proposition).
Of all our research, it is our work on dinosaurs that has elicited the most enthusiastic response from our readership. Much like the word bunny, it has quickly entered into the “slang” of today’s youth:
Subject A: “Girl, I feel like such a dinosaur right now, I totally need to get my rampage
on!”
on!”
Subject B: “LOL you’re such a t-rex! OMG I saw the cutest prey ever at Rulloff’s last
night!”
night!”
This research of course begs the question: if it is totally badass to be a T-Rex (because it is) why would anyone ever stop? It has already been explained that the proliferation of too many offspring is the demise of a bunny. So, what is the catalyst for dinosaur waning? Are we to be satisfied with simple “fatigue” or perhaps “herpes” as our answer?
The answer lies in the course of evolution itself. Even the fierce and stone-hearted dinosaur eventually evolved into a warm blooded mammal. Frankly, the life of a dinosaur is fraught with danger, as evidenced by the Cretaceous-Tertiary Extinction Event of 65 million years ago. Indeed, it would seem that the dinosaur who does not eventually try to put aside its rampaging ways and evolve into a bird will be killed by the fiery blast of an asteroid (falling in love with a hook up and seriously getting burned) or by epidemic disease (need this one be explained?). Thus, we see that the factor that pushes the subject into dinosaur waning is mere survival. One can simply not live an entire lifetime as a T-Rex.
IN CONCLUSION, in spite of the hard scientific evidence presented in this thesis, the reader must be cautious not to generalize too broadly from its precepts. The bunny-dino cycle is greatly influenced by individual factors and can present quite differently from person to person. It is also all too easy to be dismissive of either half of the cycle. The bunny is “boring” perhaps, the squirrel “non-committal”, and the dinosaur “whore-ish.” The fact of the matter is that everyone will end up in one of these states at some point in their lives. Our hope is that this research will create more understanding and tolerance among members of the female species. Can we really judge a dinosaur when we know the same scaly lizard lives somewhere deep within our own souls? Thus, the glory of science continues to shed light upon the mysteries of the human condition.
[1] A successful rampage results in a capture and kill in which the prey satisfies the dinosaur’s pressing needs. However, there is debate in the field about whether there is a difference between a capture (i.e. making out) or a kill (i.e. sex), but since a kill can’t come without a capture and a capture tends to lead to a kill, I consider it a moot point.
No comments:
Post a Comment