So many women say to me, “SSW, while I am by no means sexually repressed, I reject the dominant narrative that women are only beautiful and sexy if they receive attention from men. I enjoy flirting, dating, and romantic relationships, but my self-esteem and sense of worth as a person do not derive from whether or not I am hit on at a bar. While there have certainly been exceptions, I find that the majority of men who approach me in clearly “meat-market” situations (i.e. the club) are douchebags banking on the fact I hate myself in order to get into my pants. What can I do to keep those kinds of guys away?”
Ladies, never fear, I have some amazing suggestions for you. Having long ago lost my sense of social appropriateness, I can attest that I have tried all of the following items in real life, and that they really do work.
THE ELBOW DANCE
As many of you well know, some men will approach you to dance by sneaking up from behind, bellying up to your rear end much like a shuttle docking at the International Space Station. You may not even know he’s there until all of a sudden a pair of unfamiliar hands takes hold of your hips, locking you into non-consensual booty-shaking. If you’re like me in that unsolicited touching from strangers makes you wonder if a burka is really all that bad of an idea, then the elbow dance is for you!
There are two basic components of the elbow dance. The first is the side-to-side, which will clear space on either side of you.
Side-to-side elbow dance at rest
After assuming this position, jauntily swing your elbows to the left and the right. Feel free to smile broadly. You may even want to throw in a little tap work if you have the skills.
First do this
Then do this! How jaunty!
The second component is the front-to-back, also known fittingly as the running woman, which will clear the critical space behind you. Bend your elbows as though you are about to jog, and vigorously move them front to back. Feel free to do the twist at the same time. Getting your whole body into it increases your momentum and the power of your elbows.
Establish and keep your sovereign space with these simple dance steps. Employ whenever you feel the hairs on the back of your neck rise, indicating that your space station is about to be violated, or just dance the whole night away in this fashion!
SHAKE THAT WHICH IS NORMALLY NOT SHAKEN
When we are requested to “shake what our mommas gave us”, this is generally taken to mean the hip, buttocks, and thigh regions. This move is great for garnering male attention. However, if you wish to do the opposite, merely move the shaking motion from your behind to your head.
This move is especially effective if you are wearing a ponytail. You can amuse yourself by counting how many people you whack in the course of your shaking. This move is also useful if you need to intervene on behalf of a friend who has a douchebag bearing down upon her. Simply approach the pair, staring at them with your eyes as wide as possible and shaking your head. Next, throw your arms into the mix, flailing them enthusiastically. Now use your fully shaking upper body to establish a seizing, flailing, shaking shield between your friend and the douchebag. CAUTION: Make absolutely certain she wants you to save her before you employ this, as the aversion created by shaking that which is normally not shaken cannot be undone.
HARNESS THE POWER…
Suppose you are lost in your happy world of dancing and have not employed either the shaking or the elbow dance, and you are approached and grabbed from behind by someone who, as they say, is all up in your junk. Now that he is locked on target, how do you get him to leave?
One way is the power of NERD. I personally yell “HULL BREACH! HULL ONE !” Other options include, “KLINGONS DECLOAKING!” or “DIVERT MAXIMUM POWER TO REAR SHIELD!” Or simply screech a red alert sound like “BREEEEE! BREEEEEE! BREEEE!” Generally any sort of proclamation that indicates that you watch Sci-fi programming in any capacity will prompt the unwelcome life form to disengage.
A more popular way is the power of AWKWARD. When someone sneaks up on you from behind to dance with you, and you’re simply not feeling it, just stop dancing. Just straight up stop, and hold completely still. If he asks you, “What the hell?” look at him like he’s wearing a clown suit and just rode his unicycle into a Starbucks. “What? I’m just standing here. Aren’t you the one who’s being socially inappropriate?” The awkwardness created by standing completely still on a dance floor is incredibly powerful, and he will be literally blown away by the sheer force of just how ridiculously bizarre you are. Do not be afraid of this awesome power – unleash it!
HALTING THE BONER TRAIN
In this last scenario, let’s say that you have consented to dancing with whomever, because it’s fun, or maybe he’s a good dancer, or kind of hot, or bought you a drink, etc, etc. It’s all well and good until you become away that there is a third party present in your booty-shaking. You hope that he has an i-zone Polaroid camera in his pocket…
…but since they don’t make those anymore, that’s probably not the case.
Maybe you’re cool with dancing with the beast, which we all have at one time or another. But if you’d rather not, be deflatingly blunt. If sex is enhanced by mystery, then nothing will kill a boner quicker than directness. I usually say something along the lines of, “Hey, I noticed you have a boner in your pants. The bathroom is over there, I suggest you take a few minutes and take care of that, because I won’t be.” The ensuing shocked silence will give you plenty of time to scuttle away, ideally elbow dancing as you go.
Clubs are great fun. A smart woman enjoys a night out on the town, as long as that night happens on her terms. By employing the above strategies you can effectively keep away the men you don’t want, and create opportunities for yourself to pounce on the ones you do. Onward, ladies!
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